


Across, Beyond, Through

by TuppingLiberty



Series: Organa's Organics [29]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Graduation, M/M, Meghan POV, Trans Character, Transition, Transphobia, as happens, awkward teenage flirting, because Meghan's a teenager, blatant Chris Evans objectification, hormone replacement therapy, lots of awkward, mtf, or at least trans ignorance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6693649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuppingLiberty/pseuds/TuppingLiberty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meghan's journey with HRT, and her last two years of high school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Across, Beyond, Through

**Author's Note:**

> This fic spans a long period of time (26 months) because I wanted to talk about Meghan's transition all at once. I plan to go back and flesh out some of the passing details that she mentions in other fics; some of them may be full length but others will be filled in by the Organa's Organics ficlet series I'll be posting in the summer. :)
> 
> Also, as tends to happen when I write Meghan, the words just came flowing out of me. So enjoy this nice long fic just in time for the weekend. :)

**March, 1 month before:**

Meghan tapped her fingers on her chair’s armrest, sighing. “It’s just so annoying. I like them, they’re good friends, but sometimes those little things they say that they think are compliments make me feel like shit.” Ruby didn’t mind when she swore. Her therapist’s office was a safe place. “‘Oh Meghan, you’re such a better girl than me!’” Meghan said in a sing-song voice. “‘I’m _hopeless_ with makeup, teach me!’ ‘You're always so put together, I never bother with that!’”

Ruby smiled a little at Meghan’s impersonation. “And why does that type of comment bother you?”

Meghan had known the question was coming, that’s what Ruby got paid to do, after all. She could vent all she wanted, but she had to expect to answer some questions after. “Because I have to try _so hard_ to be a girl, to make other people think I’m a girl, and Janine just gets to sit there and wear sweats and no makeup and her hair in a messy bun and everyone in society still thinks _she’s_ a girl, and she can use the girl’s bathroom no problem. And then she turns around and says that to me and I just want to scream.”

“I understand your frustration with that. Cis-gendered people often don’t understand the lengths trans people go through to be recognized on the outside what they feel on the inside.”

“Well, duh.” Meghan blushed. “Sorry, Ruby. It’s just-”

Ruby’s smile was bigger this time. “It’s true, sometimes my job is stating the obvious. Do you think they mean it maliciously?”

Meghan thought for a moment. “No,” she finally allowed. “I just think they don’t know what it feels like, and that’s really frustrating sometimes.” Meghan’s fingers stopped, smoothing over the armrest instead. “When Janine says stuff like that, it makes me feel less like a real girl. And more like a boy who goes home at night and does speech exercises to make his voice sound higher. It snaps me back, reminds me that I'm just masquerading. And,” Meghan let out a huff of frustration, “and damn it, I envy her, because she can get away with it and I can’t, and sometimes it’s so tiring to keep it all up. Sometimes I wish that normal me could pass as the gender I want people to see without having to go through the whole process.”

Ruby nodded, writing down everything as always. She consulted some notes on a previous page. “Your 16th birthday is coming up soon. Are you and your fathers still planning to see a doctor about hormone replacement therapy?”

“We have an appointment with the endocrinologist already.” Meghan’s palms were suddenly sweaty, and she wiped them on her skirt, which had Ruby arching her eyebrow.

“How do you feel about that?”

“Nervous,” Meghan admitted. “Excited. Part of me wonders if it will make the dysphoria go away.”

“It will certainly change your life, Meghan, but you need to remember that it’s not a magic cure-all pill. However, you’ve come such a long way since I first started working with you, I would wholeheartedly vouch for your mental health in regards to HRT.”

Meghan blushed, pleased, flicking her eyes downward. “That means a lot, Ruby. Thank you.”

“You should be proud of what you’ve done to get to this point, Meghan. I’m certainly proud of you.” Ruby glanced at her notes again. “How are you feeling about your decision to freeze some of your sperm for future use?  When we talked a few months ago, you were adamantly against it, but then you changed your mind. Are you still planning on banking before you begin HRT?”

She _had_ waffled on it, had had long conversations with her dads, Leia and Anne, Jess and Rey, basically anyone she could think of, on the subject. On the one hand, after her experience with Big Sam, she wasn’t sure she wanted to pass her genes on. And she obviously had only good things to say about adoption. But what if she did want it someday? Would it be something she’d forever regret not having access to?

“I, um, already made some donations. Just in case I want to use a surrogate someday.” Anticipating Ruby’s question, Meghan continued, “I don’t know if I’ll ever use it, but I feel safer, calmer, knowing the option is there.”

Ruby glanced over at the wall clock. “We have a few minutes left. How are things going at home? Have you found any of your feelings from last year’s birthday resurfacing?”

Meghan smiled a little. “I feel like things are pretty stable there,” she said, launching into a story about an afternoon with Finn and Caleb.

\---------------------------------------

**April, Month 0:**

Meghan squirmed on the patient table while she and her fathers waited for the endocrinologist to return. At least the doctor’s assistant had let her put her clothes back on. Her dads were casually holding hands, and Finn was checking his email on his phone. Poe looked up at the sound of the paper crinkling underneath Meghan. He smiled at her in reassurance. “It’s going to be okay, Megs. It’s not like those health warnings were a surprise to us. We’ve all done our homework.”

Meghan nodded. “Yeah, it’s just scarier to hear the doctor say it, I guess.” She began to kick her bare feet against the table.

Poe reached out to still the foot closest to him. “I feel like I know the answer, but I just want to check. You’re sure this is what you want, right sweetie? We can keep going with the pubertal blockers instead, give you more time to make a decision.”  As Poe said this, Finn put his phone down, and they both looked at her with such patience and love that it made her heart hurt a little. They would truly accept whatever she wanted to do, and they’d move mountains - mostly financial - to help her do it.

She took a deep, steadying breath. “Yeah. I’m sure. I’m ready to start looking more like I feel. And if I start now, a lot of the major changes will be done by the time I'm going off to college. I feel like putting those two things on top of each other might be a bad choice.”

Finn smiled at her. “That's very logical of you. I'm going to be sad when we lose your brilliant mind to puberty.” Meghan just rolled her eyes.

When they left the office thirty minutes later, they had a prescription for anti-androgen and estrogen pills in hand and an appointment set up for blood work to monitor her testosterone levels. Meghan was able to hold in her tears until they had left through the front doors, but then she had to stop and lean against the side of the building to let them out. Finn asked, and upon her nod, gathered her into his chest. “Shhhh, honey, talk it out,” he murmured as he rubbed her back.

“I’m just so happy,” she admitted, laughing and hiccuping a little.

“Happier than when you got your driver’s license?” Poe asked with a smile.

She laughed again, tears slowing, and pulled out of Finn’s arms. “Unbelievably, yes.”

“Well then,” Finn said as they started toward the car, “How about we surprise everyone with some ice cream for dessert tonight?”

“Oh God, Caleb and Amelia are going to love that,” Meghan replied sarcastically.

Finn opened the door for her, and she climbed into the back seat. “I’m willing to deal with some adorable kids on a sugar high if it means we get to celebrate Day 1,” he said resolutely.

Later that night, after Finn and Poe had finally been able to convince Caleb and Amelia to fall asleep, Meghan took herself off to the bathroom. She stripped off her makeup, then took a shower, though she normally waited until morning. She wanted a totally clean slate. In her room, she picked up the vintage Polaroid that Anne had found for her in a junk shop. She snapped a selfie, and opened her journal while she waited for it to develop.

_I read that some of the changes happen so gradually, you don’t even notice. And I’ve seen some amazing transition before/after photos on Reddit. So here’s to Day 1._

On the bottom of the selfie, she wrote the date and “Day 1” in black sharpie, then paperclipped the photo into her journal.  

\-------------------------------------

**May, month 1:**

The first thing she noticed was Tomás. Or rather, she noticed her lack of noticing Tomás. She'd had a crush on the guy since entering freshman year, after all. He was tall and skinny, taller than she was and she felt that was an important thing to look for, Finn and Poe's nonexistent height difference be damned. He had long wavy brown hair, which was normally hidden partially under a beanie, and Meghan’s fingers itched to sweep the beanie off and run her fingers through his locks. He still had a small accent that was irresistible. He was part of the LGBTQA+ club, identified as pan, and he was also an art student. Meghan both loved him and figured he was completely unattainable except in her dreams… And she's stopped minding her wet dreams so much when Tomás became a regular figure in them.

Except now she looked at him, or any other attractive guy for that matter, and could recognize their attractiveness theoretically but felt nothing in her own body. She even pulled out her guilty pleasure, her stash of Chris Evans photos saved to her phone, but unexpectedly Captain America gave her nothing.

She hunted through Reddit posts and blogs and read enough to find her answer: loss of libido was a common, perhaps temporary side effect of HRT. She frowned a little at Chris Evans’ perfect body before closing the folder.

\-----------------------------------------

**June, month 2:**

She was trying to see a difference between the Day 1 photo and the Month 2 photo, she really was. She just couldn’t see it. Depressed, she pulled on yoga pants and didn’t bother with makeup or anything else, because she could do that at the farm and feel safe, and grabbed her sketchbook to sit at the bench by the memorial trees. They’d added a small apple tree for Caleb’s mother this year.  She liked the way the branches intermingled among the older trees now, just a bit, and began sketching.

“Meghan, hi.” Meghan turned at the sound of Leia’s voice, and smiled as the older woman approached.

“Heya, Leia,” Meghan answered, and was pleased when Leia smiled at her stupid little joke. She’d said it once, _once,_ in front of Amelia and Caleb, and now it was their favorite thing to chant when they saw her, even though they still called her Nanalay. Meghan patted the bench beside her.

Leia hesitated, then must have decided she could take the time. “I was just coming to talk to your fathers, though I suppose I should probably just text one of them.”

“They’re both inside.” Meghan knew that there was an ongoing tension between Poe and Finn and Leia, had guessed that it had something to do with Leia’s son, whom her dads tried to limit their exposure to. Leia looked tired, and Meghan did something she did without really thinking about it anymore - initiate contact. She placed her hand on Leia’s shoulder. “I miss farm family dinners,” she sighed.

Leia’s smile was sad. “Me too, sweetie. But it’s a complicated situation right now. Your fathers had every right to stop coming.” She exhaled heavily, then looked down at Meghan’s sketches. “Well that’s lovely, my girl.”

“Thank you, it's just some sketches,” she replied as she turned her eyes down.

“I was never very good, but Han had a knack for it. Especially drawing out plans for the farm.”

“It’s something I can control, you know? Drawing. I have enough skill now to draw what I see, so it’s relaxing to practice. Especially when I can’t control anything else,” she mumbled.

“Is this about your fathers and me?” Leia looked concerned now.

Meghan shook her head. “I’m just being impatient. It’s two months today.”

Leia’s face cleared. “Aha.” Leia arched a brow and peered at Meghan’s face, causing Meghan to blush a little. “I can see it, a little, in your face. It looks softer somehow. Just a little. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen you in awhile.” Leia patted her knee briefly. “Have patience, sweetheart. Your Nan and I looked up some of those pictures you talked about on the internet. People have made incredible changes, but it takes time.”

Meghan let out a sigh and smiled a little. “Yeah, you’re right.” She nodded consent when Leia pulled her into a hug, which was broken up by the sound of footsteps.

“Hi, Leia,” Finn’s greeting was polite, but not warm, and Meghan winced internally a bit. She wished she knew what was going on between them.

Leia stood, and she and Finn walked back into the house, leaving Meghan to sketch in peace, her brow furrowed.

\---------------------------------------

**July, month 3:**

“How are you doing, Squirt?” Meghan asked as she poked her head in Amelia and Caleb’s room. When she saw tear tracks, she quickly stepped inside and over to the bed. “Hey, are you in pain? It's okay if you are, you just need to tell us.”

Amelia shook her head and looked down at the brace on her leg. The doctor wanted to see her again in a few days when the swelling went down to cast it.  “I just feel so stupid. And I think Daddy is still mad at me."

Though Meghan could guess who she meant, she clarified, “Finn?” Amelia nodded. It was true that Finn had not handled The Incident last night well, but she was surprised Amelia had picked up on it, because Meghan thought he'd mostly reined in his feelings by the time they'd been able to see Amelia again.

“He was just scared, Ames. Sometimes when Daddy is scared he doesn't react in the nicest way. He's not mad. Although I'm sure he and Daddy would really appreciate it if you didn't do that again.” Amelia looked miserable, but nodded. “Do you want to talk to them about it? Tell them you’re sorry about breaking the rules?  I could go get them for you, or help you down there.”

Amelia smoothed her blanket. “Could you get them?” she asked vulnerably.

Downstairs, she found Caleb quietly and happily playing with some trucks and stuffed toys in the living room, and turned toward the sound of voices in the kitchen. She realized her dads had someone on speakerphone, and paused before entering.

“She’s fine, just a simple tibia fracture, she’ll be out of the cast before the end of summer. The doctor didn’t think it would affect her growth much hopefully, although that’s something we’ll have to watch for,” Finn was saying, and it almost sounded like he was reassuring himself. “Listen-”

The voice on the phone cut Finn off, and Meghan recognized it as the deep baritone of Leia’s son, Ben. “Finn, Poe, I’m sorry about breaking the rules. I hope you won’t-”

This time Poe interrupted Ben with a short humorless laugh. ”No, Ben, rescuing one of our children definitely doesn’t violate the rules.” There was a moment of silence. “We’re grateful you were there.”

“I didn’t rescue her. I just saw her fall.” Meghan hadn’t had a lot of interaction with Ben, and she wondered if he always sounded this unsure of himself.

“Which means, instead of lying there in pain until someone else discovered her or figuring out how to walk on a broken tibia, you found her right away, stabilized her, called us. How else would you define rescue? Ben, I-” Meghan heard Finn take a deep breath in and out. “Thank you.”

The silence on the other line probably meant that Ben wasn’t sure how to respond. Poe continued anyway. “Hey, um, you should drop by in a few days. I’m sure Amelia would love to see a new face by then, and I bet she’d want you to sign her cast.”

Ben expelled a breath. “Um, are you sure? Finn?”

“Yeah,” Finn replied, his voice betraying a hint of tension. “Text us and we’ll set it up.”

“God, okay,” Ben said, sounding shaky even over the phone. “I’ll talk to you guys later, I guess.”

Both Poe and Finn made their goodbyes as Meghan breezed into the kitchen.

“Good morning, guys,” she said as if she hadn’t just heard their entire conversation.

“Hi, honey, headed out for a run?” Finn smiled at her, then turned and continued to put dishes away while Poe worked the coffee maker.

“Yeah, but first, can we talk?” It almost made her laugh to have both of her dads turn directly to her, concern on their faces. “Amelia would like to talk to you guys. She’s feeling really awful about what happened. And,” Meghan looked directly at Finn, “She thinks you’re mad at her.” Finn’s eyes widened and guilt flashed over his face. Meghan placed a hand on his arm and brushed a kiss across his cheek, pleased that since going off of the pubertal blockers, she’d hit a growth spurt, and she could do so without having to stand on her tip toes. “You know how sensitive she is. I’ll watch Caleb for a bit.”

She turned to head to the living room, but Poe stopped her with his voice. “You’ve got such a grace about you, sweetie, that has nothing to do with what you look like. I’m so glad you’re part of this family.” Finn nodded his agreement.

She blushed all the way through to her ears.

\-----------------------------------------

**October, Month 6:**

Meghan frowned at the mirror hanging on her closet door. She was going through an awkward stage, and it was driving her crazy. While her silhouette actually included a little bit of hips, now, she’d had to give up padding her bra for a bit because apparently growing actual breast tissue hurt. Her doctor had been pleased with her measurements, though. But the whole thing made her feel… less, somehow, and she was having to fight that. She wrote it down in her journal, knowing she'd have to bring it up in therapy.

\---------------------------------------

** March, Month 11: **

“Hey, birthday girl, feliz cumpleaños.” Tomás’s voice was like a purr, and Meghan involuntarily shivered.

“Thanks, Tomás,” she replied, happy the black light atmosphere of cosmic bowling hid her blush from the rest of the school friends that had gathered for her birthday.

“Did you save me a spot on your team?” Tomás moved in close to her to grab a fry, and Meghan realized with a rush that her libido was back, but it didn't feel exactly the same as before. It was gentler, but it was there. Tomás felt...exciting again. She found herself happy she's taken extra care with her outfit for the party.

“Of course, but I hope you're okay with losing. I've only bowled once before and I suck.”

He grinned at her, winking. “How about I get a strike, just for the birthday girl?”

She -honest to God, she'd think later- actually giggled at this line. “I'd like to see that happen.”

A few minutes later, she watched him take his turn, and damn if his butt didn't look amazing when he threw his ball. Meghan sighed.

Janine poked her in the side and grinned knowingly at her. “Go get it, girl.”

Meghan bit her lip. “What should I do?” She whispered.

“Play a little while, then find an excuse to pull him away from the rest of us. I'll wingwoman for you. Maybe pretend you forgot something in your car and ask him to walk you out, you know, for safety. Then…” Janine wiggled her eyebrows at Meghan.

 _Then. Right. I'm seventeen years old, I can figure this out. Nevermind that I’ve never “then’d” with anyone. Deep breath, Meghan._ She wished she could call Aunt Rey. Or Mary. This seemed like a terrible plan.

They continued to bowl, and devour their weight in soda and fried foods, until eventually Janine got Meghan's attention.  “Hey, uh, Meghan, do you know where I left my purse? Is it in your car?”

 _Right. Play along._ “Oh yeah, um, I don't think I saw you bring it in.” God, it sounded so fake to her, but at Janine’s nudge, she turned to Tomás and asked, “Hey, would you mind walking me out? This place can be kind of creepy after dark.”

He smiled. “Of course.” He stood and held out his hand to help her.

She hesitated, then took it, and he led her toward the door. Meghan flicked a short look back to Janine, who gave her a thumbs up.

She swallowed, but decided to talk first. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah, I mean, beats staying at home. And I’m glad you invited me.” He squeezed her hand and Meghan willed hers not to sweat too badly.

Before they hit the doors to the outside, though, Meghan pulled him into a dark corner. “Listen, Janine didn’t really leave anything in my car, she just wanted to get us alone together.” She’d been looking at the awful bright orange and purple carpet on the bowling alley floor, but at the last part she chanced a glance up at him.

He was smiling. “I could kind of tell,” he admitted.

Meghan’s mouth twisted into a grin too. “Do you mind?”

He leaned a little closer, pressing her into the wall, and she felt the urge to move away from him, to not be cornered by him, twist in her gut. She fought it. She fought hard. She was just used to being babied ( _protected,_ her mind tried to chime in) by her family. She'd be going off to college next year. She _needed_ to get over this- this inability to be physical. She refocused on what Tomás was saying. “Not at all. You’re cute, and funny.”

_Tomás Flores thinks I’m cute. Tomás Flores thinks I’m funny. OhGodohGodohGodoh-_

Tomás was sliding a hand behind her head, sifting his fingers through the waves of her hair. She kept fighting her flight instincts, because she truly did want this, and she didn't want to send him the wrong message. He leaned in, and then his lips were on hers and it was… it was… not what Meghan had been expecting from the stuff she read online. Pleasant. Nice. Enjoyable enough. _Maybe that’s the meds,_ Meghan thought.

When they broke apart, Tomás leaned back and smiled again. “That was nice.”

Meghan could only nod. She picked up Tomás’s hands. “Nice enough to keep doing?” Meghan felt herself blush. “I mean, on a regular basis. I mean, away from here. Like, after a date.”

“Are you asking me out?”

 _Ah, jeez, that’s probably not something real girls are supposed to do._ “Uh, yeah, I think that’s what I just did.”

“What are you doing next weekend?”

\--------------------------------------

** April, Month 12: **

“Lady, you look _amazing._ Spin around,” Mary commanded, twirling a finger, and Meghan laughed, complying. “Absolutely gorgeous.”

“It’s weird to have hips, real hips,” Meghan admitted. “I had to learn to walk and run in a totally different way. And I'm wearing an actual cup size. I mean, it's barely an A, and I’m hoping I’ll grow a little more up top, but still!”

“I meant your face, chica.  You look happy.” Mary held out an arm, then nestled Meghan’s arm in hers as they walked into the mall.

Meghan took a deep breath. “Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I, um, I have a boyfriend.”

Mary stopped her, causing a group of stroller-pushing moms behind them to mutter in their direction. “Meghan. Smith. Dameron. You have been holding out on me!”

Meghan could only imagine what unflattering shade of red she was right now. “It’s, uh, fairly new, really. Only a few weeks.”

Mary put a hand to her heart. “Girl, stop. We must get froyo before you tell me _everything.”_ Laughing, she pulled Meghan along again.

In the frozen yogurt shop, when they were well situated with their frozen dairy and sugar, Mary pointed her spoon across the table at Meghan. “Spill.”

Meghan began sculpting her frozen yogurt with Oreo crumbles. “Well, his name is Tomás.”

“Latino boy, eh?”

“Yeah, he moved here from Puerto Rico in 6th grade.”

Mary nodded. “Hot.” Then, she held her spoon up again. “But, and I speak from experience, sometimes the Latino men, they can be annoyingly old fashioned.”

“Don’t tell me Edgar-”

“Oh, no,” Mary laughed. “Not Edgar.  He may be a mama’s boy, but he’s progressive. I’ve trained him well.”

“That doesn’t sound very _progressive_ of you, Mary,” Meghan teased. “Besides, what about Poe? Or Rigo? Or the whole soccer team?”

“Alright, alright, I yield. Maybe it's different now.” Meghan gave her a pointed look and Mary held up her spoon in defense. “Okay, I'm sorry I stereotyped anyone.” Mary raised her eyebrows as if to say ‘good enough?’ and Meghan nodded. “So, Tomás…”

“So, Tomás…” Meghan sighed. “He’s gorgeous. Not clingy at all. Sometimes I worry maybe I’m being too clingy.”

Mary’s brow furrowed. “Has he said that to you?”

“Oh no, I’m just paranoid. You know it’s my first real relationship.”

“Hmmm. So, Tomás. I know you can’t go home and surprise your pops with a “Hey, guys, I’m pregnant!” announcement, but still, “Hey, guys, I’ve got an STD!” is even less likely to get smiles from them. Are you being careful?”

Meghan’s eyes widened. “What? No, we haven’t… we aren’t. Oh God.” She felt her cheeks burning.

“Have Finn and Poe had the sex talk with you?” Mary narrowed her eyes at Meghan.

Too mortified to speak, Meghan just shook her head. At Mary’s scoff, she added, “Well, the same one I got at school. Use condoms, regular testing, communication is important, etc., etc. It was all very non-specific.”

“Jeez, I know it’s squicky cause they’re your dads but you’d think they’d release you into the world with a little more knowledge. Okay, well obviously I can’t help out too much with the actual details of it, despite being very well read on the subject.”

“No, Mary-”

“But there’s a really great YouTube channel that does these videos-”

“Mary!” Meghan stopped her by making a grab for her spoon. “ I didn’t come to ask you the particulars. I just… I just wanted to tell someone that wasn’t at school.” She handed Mary her spoon back.

“Wait, chica, Finn and Poe don’t know?” Meghan shook her head. “Is there a _reason_ you haven’t told them? A reason you need to hide Tomás from them?”

She shrugged. She hadn’t even told her therapist at their last visit. This thing with Tomás, it seemed too new, and fragile. “What if they, I don’t know, like in the movies, what if they scare him away?”

Mary just shot her a look. “I’ve been with Edgar since I was 20, but before that, I had, we’ll say, some experiences. And I learned from those experiences, and from Edgar, that if it’s someone you don’t want to introduce to the people who mean the most to you, you probably don’t want them to become one of the people who means the most to you.”

Meghan stabbed into her yogurt sculpture and took a bite, thinking. “That makes sense.”

“Do you want me to help, be there when you tell them?”

“No. No,” Meghan repeated, more resolutely. “You’re right. I’m seventeen, I can be mature about this.”

Mary gave her a pitying look, and Meghan stuck her tongue out. “Real mature, chica, real mature.”

Meghan waited a beat, eating more yogurt in the meantime. “Wait, so what was that YouTube channel?”

“Okay girl, this woman totally has your back. Sexplanations. I’ll text it to you.”

\--------------------------------

** May, Month 13: **

She’d waited as long as she could, until Tomás had asked her to Junior/Senior prom, and she was going to have to tell her dads. So, she waited for Amelia and Caleb to be put to bed one night, and asked them if they could talk. They did the nervous, glance-at-each-other, “what do you know about this” eye communication they always did when she asked them to talk.

She pulled out her phone and opened up a picture. It was a selfie of she and Tomás, very innocent, just cheeks resting near each other and smiling. She handed the phone over to Finn, who almost dropped it, then showed it to Poe. “That’s Tomás. He just asked me to prom, and… and he’s been my boyfriend for about a month.” Both sets of eyes snapped up at her, and both sets of eyebrows furrowed. She braced herself.

“I think I remember him from the winter play, was he in that?” Poe asked, voice neutral.

Meghan registered surprise. “Oh, yeah, um, he was. We weren’t a thing then, though.”

Poe nodded.  Then, Finn: “And he’s how old?” Finn’s voice was light enough, it could have flown away.

“He turns 18 in July. He’s a junior, like me.”

“I’m glad you get to go to prom, honey. Jenny Price and I had an awesome time,” Poe said, voice fond with memory.

 _“ Jenny?”_ Finn asked, arching a brow at Poe while Meghan smirked.

“Small town, babe. Wasn’t out, headed to the military of course, couldn’t be out. And Jenny was a good friend, a lovely beard, and just as interested in girls as I was in boys. It was a mutually beneficial thing. Symbiotic.”

“Wait, is this the Jenny Carpenter that comments sometimes on your Facebook?  This all makes so much more sense now!” Finn said excitedly, pulling out his phone, probably, Meghan mused, to add this “Jenny” on Facebook himself.

“Uh, so, I’m going to go take a shower,” Meghan said, standing up to escape.

“Sounds good. Yeah, that’s her,” Poe said over Finn’s shoulder. Meghan walked away, but Poe stopped her before she started up the stairs. “Oh, honey, we’re going to have to invite him over for a family dinner, of course.”

“Oh yes, sometime before prom, Meghan,” Finn said distractedly.

Meghan gulped, then nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

\-------

The dinner hadn’t been a total disaster. And after dinner, her dads had let her take Tomás to her room for a little bit, though Finn had whispered that she had to leave the door open and that he was going to be down the hall getting Caleb ready for bed. But at least he had whispered it just to her.

It felt weird to have Tomás in her space. Not like an invasion, but still like too big of a breach of privacy, somehow. She tried to get over the feeling. Lately it felt like Tomás was pulling away, and no wonder, if she was so closed off herself…

“These are great, Meghan,” Tomás murmured, looking at some of the sketches she’d posted to her idea wall.

“Oh, yeah, just starting to think about the senior art show. Have you done anything yet?”

He shook his head. “I work better under pressure.”  He was looking now at the line of thirteen Polaroids that showed her transition progress. “Why do you keep these?”

Meghan walked over herself, peered at her Day 1. Already she looked so different, even without makeup, and it was sort of flooring. She shrugged. “To remind me of my journey, I guess,” she answered.

“Wouldn’t you want to forget when you looked like...that?” There was just the faintest hint of something that Meghan couldn’t really identify in Tomás’s voice. “Although I guess that’s why they have those before/after photos on infomercials for diet products on TV, right?”

“Uh. Well, I mean, I’m not ashamed of what I looked like before. I’m not a different person, not on the inside.” Meghan felt uncomfortable, and she took her phone out to check the time. _Good,_ she thought. _Tomás has to go soon._ She immediately felt guilty for thinking it, but still, she said, “Time’s almost up. Goodnight kiss?” He leaned over obediently, and there was the kiss she was used to, the Nice Enough one. He was getting better about not crowding her space, too, but she really didn’t want to share her reasons for why she needed it.

She walked him downstairs and saw him out. Before she headed back up to her room, Poe pulled her aside to tell her that he seemed like a nice boy. Nice enough.

\----------------------------------------------------------

**June, Month 14:**

Meghan couldn’t remember being happier or prouder to be a part of the Smith-Dameron family than right then. They were at the Portland Pride parade; the LGBTQA+ club at Meghan’s school had applied for a spot and put together a float, and Poe and Finn had agreed to chaperone. Tomás, Meghan, and a couple other students had taken over the design, and to see it out and driving, and everyone waving at them so happily, it made Meghan’s heart want to leap out of her chest. And? It was miraculously not raining. It may always rain on the Rose Festival Parade, but Pride got a clear sky.

She was wearing a maxi dress with the transgendered colors striping down it, and holding hands with Tomas as they walked along the side of the float, mostly to make sure their decorations didn’t fall off. Poe was driving the float, Finn was pulling Caleb along in a red wagon, and Amelia was on top of the float, throwing out candy and grinning like a madchild.

“This is awesome!” Meghan yelled at Tomás over the sound of the music. “I can’t believe I’ve never done this!”

Tomás grinned, and pulled her into a quick kiss which had the crowd cheering. Meghan was blushing, breathing quickened slightly in panic, but Tomás just started throwing kisses to the crowd.

Later, at the festival, Tomás spirited Meghan away from her family for a little alone time that was mostly finding semi-private areas to share some more of those Nice Enough kisses. They never really made Meghan feel like doing anything else, and she was really starting to think that her sex drive was just dead. She wanted to feel something with Tomás, she’d even been able to get off to Chris Evans the other day, but for her boyfriend... nothing.

When they came up for air, Tomás bought them a funnel cake to share, and they managed to find a place in the shade to sit and do some people watching. Meghan mostly liked to watch Tomás people watch, and when he wrinkled his nose, she looked up, trying to find the cause of his disgust. “What’s wrong?”

Tomás kind of subtly tipped his head at a person that was wearing a “she/her” preferred pronouns shirt, but was pretty obviously pre-transition. “She’s not making much effort. Not like you do.”

Meghan turned to him, eyebrow raised. “Excuse me?”

“I just mean, if she wants to be called she, maybe she should look more like a she.”

It took a lot of effort for Meghan to keep her jaw from dropping down. “Do you know how much it costs to transition? Do you know how much the drugs cost?  I only got them because my adopted grandfather just happened to be rich!”

“Whoa, Meghan, calm down. I’m just saying, even before your HRT, you put a lot of effort into looking like a girl. I mean, you look a lot better now, but-”

“I don’t think I want you to finish that sentence, Tomás.”

“Are you angry?”

Meghan stared at him, unable to comprehend how he didn’t get that what he was saying was bone-deep, utterly offensive to her. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”

Tomás looked relieved. “Okay.”

Meghan turned back out to the crowd, unable to stomach looking at her boyfriend at the moment.

\-----------------------------------------

**July, Month 15:**

“Well, it’s a beautiful campus, that’s for sure,” Poe said.

“The facilities are _amazing,_ Dad. You don’t even know.” Meghan could feel the excitement crawling under her skin. Oregon College of Arts and Crafts was the _perfect_ campus.

Finn laughed a little breathlessly. “Well, we’ve got a couple of other places to check out today, right?” He glanced again at the small pamphlet their tour guide had given them a little worriedly. Meghan bit her lip, knowing the private college cost a lot. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to Western?”

Western was literally across the river from Independence, across the river from the farm. And they weren’t known for their visual arts program. “Dad,” was all she said.

Finn smiled a bit. “Okay, okay.  Well, what’s next?”

“Portland State.”

Later, over dinner, they discussed the merits of each college, and Meghan kept bring OCAC back up, gushing. While Caleb, only four, couldn’t follow the conversation, Amelia listened with high interest and an increasingly distressed face. “So, college means you’re going away?” she asked, her voice on the edge of tears.

Meghan immediately leaned over on the dining bench to draw Amelia into a side hug. “Squirt, I'm not going away forever. You’ll still see me on my breaks and holidays and probably some weekends when I miss you guys too much.”

Meghan could tell her words didn’t really reassure Amelia, and was proved correct when Amelia pulled away and mumbled, “I need to take a walk.”

Meghan glanced at Finn and Poe, distressed, so before Amelia left the room, Poe asked, “Would you like Meghan to come with you?”

Amelia paused at the doorway. She nodded.

They’d had a summer rain earlier that day, and in some places, the grass was still wet, making Meghan’s sandals slippery. Amelia led her silently on the path to the farm, past the small cottage they’d built for Poe’s veteran farmhand program, and then they were walking through the fields, and Meghan was thinking Amelia must be really upset to have to walk this far. _How can I repair this?_

As they walked along a row of cherry tomato vines, Amelia finally opened up. “You’re definitely going to come back?”

“Oh, Amelia, always. I will always, always come back to you.”

“No one’s gone away in a long time,” Amelia said. “I used to worry about it a lot, but now I don’t, because no one went away. Everyone stayed here.” She sounded a little accusatory.

Meghan was at a loss. But, she figured, she could still try. “When kids grow up, they leave their houses. It’s part of what makes them not kids anymore.”

“I don’t ever want to leave the farm. Or my daddies. Or Caleb, or Threepio, or-”

Meghan paused Amelia by putting a hand on her shoulder. “I understand, squirt. I don’t _want_ to leave you. I just want to see what’s out there in that big world.”

Amelia looked up at her, eyes huge in her face. “That big world is _scary,_ though.”

Meghan brushed a hand over Amelia’s hair, ruffling it a bit, and Amelia wrinkled her nose, but smiled. “It’s like… it’s like an adventure I get to go on. And I've still got an entire year before that happens anyway. I’m not going to be out of your life forever, Amelia, I promise. Who else would braid your hair, or make sure no scary monsters come to get you and Molly when you’re sleeping in the tent outside?”

“Caleb just isn’t big enough yet,” Amelia said practically, and Meghan laughed.

“Shall we head home?”

“Yeah.” Amelia grabbed her hand, and they set off.

\--------------------------------------------------------

** August, Month 16 **

“Meghan, are you okay?” Poe’s concern was obvious, which made sense to Meghan, since she was currently sitting on the memorial bench, crying. He sat down, put an arm around the back of the bench, then pulled her into a hug when she consented. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I b-broke up with T-Tomás,” she stuttered out.

Poe’s arms tensed around her. “Did he- he didn’t do anything to hurt you, did he?”

She shook her head, trying to reassure him quickly. “Not like you mean. He was kind of transphobic though, but that just pissed me off.”

“I thought he knew you’re trans.” Poe sounded confused.

“But he liked the idea that I’m a girl, that I make myself pretty like girls are supposed to be.”

“Mmmm,” Poe murmured, beginning to rub her arm again. “So what was the deal breaker, if that wasn’t it?”

“I want to be someone’s primary person.” Meghan shifted away, calmer now, and Poe dropped his arms. “Your Finn’s primary person. As much as you two love us, the first person he thinks about when he’s faced with something is you. “How will this affect Poe?” is a thought that I’m sure runs through his head more than he even realizes.”

Poe looked thoughtful. “You’re not wrong. I certainly think the same about him.”

“I want to be that, to somebody. And I want to feel that about somebody.  And I didn’t feel that about Tomás any more than he felt it about me.”

“Meghan, you’re 17. You can’t really expect to find your ‘primary person’ in high school, can you? I mean, I know some people do. But I was 32 before I found Finn.”

Meghan wiped a last tear out of her eye. “I guess I just don’t see the point of waiting around when I knew that it wasn’t it for me.”

Poe looked into the distance thoughtfully, then turned back to her with a smile. “Well, let’s not forget the transphobic part, or at least the old-fashioned adherence to gender norms.” Poe sighed. “There’s still a lot of that, even within the gay community. It’s not the type of thing you need in your life.”

Meghan laughed a little. “Yeah, that’s true. That’s kind of when I started looking for reasons to break up with him.”

Poe smiled, then set a hand lightly on her knee. “I think, or I hope, you’ll find your ‘primary person’ as you call it. But consider this, too: isn’t it everyone’s prerogative to be their own primary person? To make sure they’re thinking “how is this going to affect me?” when they’re confronted with something?”

“That sounds like something Ruby would say.”

“Hmm.  Probably Dr. Charles, too. Or he might say that, if someone didn't think that, they'd be at risk for codependency."

Meghan laughed, but sobered. “Wait, he doesn’t think you’re codependent, does he?”

“No, but he wants me to take care of myself as much as Finn does.”

Meghan reached out to pat her dad’s arm. “Me too.”

He smiled affectionately at her. “Well the same goes for you, kiddo. You’ve come such a long way since we picked you up in that Burger King. You amaze me every day.”

The tears came back, and she threw her arms around her father.

\----------------------------------------

** September, Month 17: **

**Meghan:** I know there are some great art schools in Seattle. But Portland seems like the right amount of distance away.

 **Jess:** Well, let me know if you want to come tour anything, our guest room is always available.

 **Meghan:** I’m leaning toward OCAC pretty heavily.

 **Meghan:** It’s so weird to be thinking about this.

 **Jess:** Life moves fast.

 **Meghan:** No kidding.

 **Jess:** Hey, wait, shouldn’t I be telling you to get to bed?

 **Meghan:** No, cuz you’re the cool aunt, remember?

 **Jess:** Go to bed, kid.

 **Jess:** (I’m still the cool one.)

 **Meghan:** :P gnight

Meghan closed her sketchbook and contemplated her idea wall. She had a start on her senior exhibit, but it was really just sketches and proposals, nothing solid yet. She still had a ton of time, though.

\---------------------------------

** November, Month 19: **

Meghan replied, “Come in,” at the soft knock on her door. She looked up from her desk to see Finn and Poe enter.

They sat on her bed, a unit like always. “Hey, honey,” Finn murmured, seeming to want to wait to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about, and instead focusing on her senior project idea board. “How’s the exhibit coming?”

Meghan groaned internally. So she was having a bit of a roadblock. Why did everyone - well, okay, just her teacher and Finn - have to hound her about it? “Fine, getting stuff done,” she replied. “What did you need?”

“It’s about money, and I don’t want you to think this is anything about reciprocity or… Your father and I have been crunching some numbers. When my dad died, the trusts we set up for college funds… well, they assumed the child would be a lot younger, so the money would have a chance to grow.”

Meghan was feeling a little sick to her stomach. “Yeah?”

Poe sighed, pulling the OCAC brochure from his pocket. “So, I know your heart is set on OCAC, but I’m not sure if we can afford a private school. Or at least, maybe not a full four years. What about transferring from a community college? Or going to a state school for a bit? You have the GPA to qualify for the two free years through Oregon Promise.”

Meghan tried not to let her disappointment show on her face. “What if… what if I get scholarships?  That’s what the OCAC lady said, that kids who can’t afford it get scholarships.”

Finn pointed to her senior exhibit board. “It looks like you’re busy enough without adding scholarship applications to the mix, but honestly, it’s a good idea.”

Meghan pulled over her tablet and immediately began to research. “I can do this, you guys.”

\-----------------------------------

** April, Month 24: **

She knew the shocked looks on her fathers’ faces could be a reaction to several things: first, Meghan’s senior art exhibit seemed to have exploded all over the living room; second, there were art supplies everywhere. But, it was probably the fact that Meghan was having a complete and utter breakdown in the midst of all the chaos. Poe and Finn asked Amelia and Caleb to play upstairs, and stepped gingerly through the minefield of art pieces, then crouched beside Meghan.

“I can’t do this! Everything is … everything sucks!” Meghan burst out into another sob.

“Oh, honey.” The compassion in Finn’s voice made Meghan cry harder.

“Megs, you are completely capable of doing this,” Poe reassured her.

She shook her head. “I’ve ruined it all. It’s too hokey. No one will understand it. And I got rejected for the Ferguson-Henley scholarship.” More tears.

“Sweetie, you’re exhausted. Why don’t you leave all of this stuff here. Poe and I will make sure no one disturbs it. I bet you haven’t even had a chance to celebrate yet.”

Meghan sniffled, thinking that taking a break sounded like a good idea, when she did a mental double take. ‘Wait, celebrate?”

Poe smiled at her, showing her a countdown on his phone. “Two years, Meghan. 24 months today.”

Meghan was blank for another few seconds before she finally got it. “Oh, wow,” she said, still subdued by the breakdown. The idea that Poe had been keeping track on his phone touched her, though.

“Yeah, wow. Come on, let’s get off the floor.” Finn smiled, standing, and held out a hand. Meghan allowed herself to be pulled up and taken to the front porch. The fresh air did feel extremely nice. Meghan took several deep, calming breaths as she looked out over the fields.

“I thought I’d feel more different,” Meghan admitted. “That once I was finished with the major changes of the HRT, I’d be a different person. A Meghan who felt more real.  I kind of feel the same.”

“You definitely don’t look the same,” Poe pointed out.

“Yeah, that’s true. The thing is, I’m happy I’m still Meghan.”

Finn smiled. “I am, too.”

 _Still Meghan. Not broken. Changed._ "I think I know what I need to do with my project."

\--------------------------------------

**May, Month 25:**

Meghan stood nervously on the edge of the gallery, at the end of her line of work that comprised her senior project, “Kintsugi.” The first people to walk to her section of the gallery when the doors opened came as no surprise: Poe and Finn were already stopping at her first piece, Finn turning slightly to smile at her and raise a small hand in greeting. She blew out a breath and relaxed a little, even though she’d soon be facing her senior advisor, whom she would have to walk through her show, explaining her intent. He would decide if her intent matched what she presented, and grade her for graduation. It was only a little bit entirely nerve wracking.

She knew exactly what her fathers would be seeing as they walked through her exhibit; had obsessed for months now over the layout of her show. First, they would take in the Polaroid pictures she had so faithfully taken of herself over the last 24 months, hung neatly in rows chronologically. She liked what it showed, because she’d taken each picture without makeup, sometimes unshaven, it showed her true self, for better or worse, her true face.

Then, they’d move on to the pieces that took those Polaroids and manipulated them by scanning or drawing. In one, she’d drawn half of her Day 1 face and half of her Month 24 face, joined together in the middle by a crooked line of gold paint. Each piece played with the idea of her transition and the idea of kintsugi - repairing the broken to make it beautiful again, and with the idea that pre-transition and post-transition Meghan were the same Meghan.

Her part of the show ended with her favorite piece, titled simply “Family.” The inspiration had been a photograph of her family, the one they’d taken in front of the memorial trees last year, but she’d drawn each person with watercolor pencils on their own separate piece of heavy paper, then punched small holes around the edges, and stitched them together with different colored thread. She felt like her family was the ultimate piece of kintsugi, and she hoped people understood.

When Finn and Poe reached the final piece, Finn touched his throat and leaned his head onto Poe’s shoulder, overwhelmed. They turned to her, and Meghan could see unshed tears in Poe’s eyes. He blew out a breath and smiled at her. “I know I saw it all in pieces before, but all together, it’s beautiful, Meghan.” He and Finn both held out an arm, and she practically fell into their hug, although they were careful not to miss with her artfully arranged updo.

They pulled apart, but Finn’s hand was still on Meghan’s shoulder. “I’m so proud of you, honey. Well done.”

Meghan leaned over to brush a kiss on his cheek, then repeated the motion for Poe. “Thank you.”

“We’ll get out of your hair and let you act like a professional, Megs. Is there any food at this shindig?” Poe smiled, taking Finn’s hand.

She pointed them in the right direction, then waited for people to talk to her. Her senior project advisor came; he nodded thoughtfully throughout, but was a frustratingly hard person to read.

By the end of the evening, though, she was feeling exhilarated by the reactions others had given her. Though there were still a few people milling about the gallery, her advisor had given the students the all-clear to leave. Meghan began to head to the doors with her dads, when a woman's voice stopped her.

“Meghan Smith-Dameron?” Meghan turned and waited for a lovely middle aged woman to approach her. She recognized her, remembered talking to her earlier about the inspiration for her show. The woman held out a hand. “Lovely show, very well done for someone your age.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Meghan shook the offered hand, and the woman moved on to Poe and Finn.

“Ximena Cobian, it's a pleasure to meet you all in person. I presume you're her parents?”

Meghan raised her eyebrows in surprise. No one ever just guessed that a black man and a Latino man were her parents. How did this... Ms. Cobian know her? Finn and Poe were nodding and introducing themselves.

“I'm on the scholarship committee at OCAC. Your teacher Mrs. Green is a dear friend of mine, and invited me this evening. She said you were interested in my college but the price tag was holding you back.”

“Um, well…”

“We have the portfolio you submitted for your application, but do you have photos of these pieces? I'd love to be able to show them to the committee.”

Meghan nodded. “Yes, I took pictures when I hung them. I'd love to share them.”

Ms. Cobian slipped her a card. “Send them to my email, and I'll make sure they get to the right place. I don't think I'll have a problem convincing the committee to slide some incentive your way for signing with us.” She smiled brightly and gave them all a nod before stepping around them to exit the gallery.

The Smith-Damerons were silent for about three seconds after she left, before Meghan was squealing and pulling Finn and Poe into a big hug.

\------------------------------------

**June, Month 26:**

Finn couldn’t settle into his seat, couldn’t contain his excitement. Poe smiled ruefully at him before leaning over to point something out in the book Caleb had brought along. On the other side of Finn, Amelia was swinging her legs to kick her chair. He slung an arm around her chair and leaned over. “It’ll start soon, sweet pea, I swear.  You’re doing a good job.”

She smiled up at him, hair done back by Meghan in French braids. “And then what are we doing, Daddy?”

“We’re going out to dinner with everyone else.” Finn pointed to the stands, where the extended family and spillover crowd was allowed to sit. Everyone was there, from Rey and Jessika to Anne and Leia and the rest of the farm family.

“How come we’re not up there?”

“We get the special seats, so that we can watch Meghan walk across from up close.”

“When do I get to do this, Daddy?”

From his other side, Poe chuckled. “Don’t be so quick to grow up yet, Amelia.”

Amelia frowned. "No, Daddy, I mean, it looks really scary. What if Meghan trips in those big heels she wore? In front of all of these people?"

"I think she'll be just fine, nugget," Poe answered. Finn laughed a little and then leaned into Poe, laying his head on his husband's shoulder, and Poe brushed a quick kiss over Finn’s hair. “I’d ask if you’re hanging in there, but I think we’re at about the same mental spot, babe.”

From the moment the graduation march began to play and everyone stood to welcome the graduating class, both Finn and Poe were hopeless messes. But when Finn saw Meghan walk under the arbor of flowers, her head held high, her gait so light and airy, he was able to pull himself together. She had come in towards the end, thanks to Finn’s S name, and when she briefly turned around to find them, Amelia almost fell out of her seat waving.

Nothing, not even the rather long-winded commencement speaker, could stop the flow of tears on Poe’s face, though, and by the end of the ceremony, it was Poe who was leaning into Finn.

Before they began to call names, the class president announced, “The senior class would like to show its appreciation for the family members that supported them on this journey. Seniors, please distribute your flowers.” At once, the students all took flowers from the big bouquets at the front, and moved through the audience. As Meghan walked toward them with four big sunflowers, Amelia ran to meet her.

“Is one of those for me?” she asked eagerly.

“Of course,” Meghan replied, handing one to her with great ceremony, then leaning down to kiss her on the cheek. She did the same with Caleb, who immediately wanted to use it as a sword before Poe stopped him with a smile. She gave the flowers to Finn and Poe at the same time, murmuring, “Thank you for taking a chance on a small mouthy teen named Sam.”

And then she was hurrying back before they could respond, and the names were being called, and Finn took Amelia up with him to get Meghan’s photo as she received her diploma. Once Principal Johnson released them from their lines, Meghan was absolutely mobbed by her family, everyone who’d been there for her every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't get enough Caleb in this fic, but I hope to rectify that in the future.
> 
> I really appreciate the love and support you guys have given me. Kudos and comments are always welcome. 
> 
> I'm @animalasaysrauer over on tumblr. Come scream with me about Stormpilot... we may be less popular than Kylux, but dammit, we're still mighty.


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